It does takes quite a bit of discipline to keep writing. I miss yesterday’s. I had no idea what to write about. And i thought it’ll be better today, but nooooo…
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Dear S____,
Well I haven’t spoken to you for the longest time. And i don’t know if i would remember how you look like even if i saw you again. But i never stopped thinking if i should have done more for you.
You were probably p6 going to Sec 1 when i first knew you. I was say. 19? Somehow, something attracted me to you and you adopted me as your elder sister. You messaged me alot. Telling me about your day when you were happy or sad. Updating me about your circumstances. In return I gave you some advice on basic day to day studying techniques and how you should cope with circumstances in your family. You gave me little presents and notes to show your love and I accepted it.
Even with such a age gap, I found you starting to hang out with me and my friends after church. You really liked our company and wanted to go where we went and tag along in all circumstances. At first it was ok, because we thought you needed some friends and you were also facing some problems at home. But as time passed by, we realised that we couldn’t do a lot of things or say a lot of things because you were there with us. It wasn’t your fault. I was like the older sister who didn’t like my younger siblings hanging out with my mutual friends. On the other hand, you liked the company of the big sisters and brothers and you followed us and you were too young to understand otherwise.
By and by, it became tiring having you tag along. We had to take care of you, answer your mom when she calls and made sure you reached home safe. It didn’t help that you preferred our company rather than being at home, so it was always a battle trying to get you to go home early. As time passed, we had to go back early to accommodate your timing. I was tired of having to inform your parents where you were and to be accountable for your safety.
Unlike mei mei whom i have a responsibility towards her to take care and made sure she’s ok, i did not have that same kind of responsibility for you.
I was young and I admit that there should have been a better way to deal with this. But at that time, I decided that we should stop hanging out and hand you back to your parents. We refuse to let you follow us. We always made sure you went home with your parents after church. I cut down much on my return smses although politely i still recieved your gifts because i didn’t know how to reject you face to face. I limited our conversation to minimum in church and tried to have you find friends your age.
Slowly we drew apart.
You did find friends your age. But apparantly it wasn’t good for you. You gradually hated studying and I saw the downturn of your emotions. I didn’t dare to go near to you anymore because I didn’t know how to talk to you or what I should do. Eventually you stopped coming to church altogether.
That was many years ago and I don’t know how you are doing now. I don’t know how you reacted to having someone suddenly drawing away from you. I would reacted differently at this age and time. But it happened when I was young and naive and it was the first occurrence for me.
So all i could do now, is to pray. That God will look over you, protect you, guard your heart and mind and bless you tremendously. May you do well in your studies and know where you would like to further it in ITE, Poly, JC or Uni. And if I have hurt you or offended you by my actions, I pray that God will heal these wounds and cover it with His love.
I wish you well.
Love,
e.
